Calamities from the Skies

Chapter 2 - God, would people just leave Tifa's anatomy alone

Disclaimer: I'm sorry, but I don't own FFVII and I can't give the charecters away. In fact, this story isn't even mine. I ripped it off from a Menthos comercial.



"Cloud, do these shorts make my butt look big?"

"No," Cloud answers mechanically as he thumbs through a magazine. He doesn't even need to listen to the questions to know all the answers. He had been asked the same questions, in the same order, for what seemed like an eterinity. Next will be the boobs…

"Cloud, do you think my boobs are to big?"

"No, Tifa, you have perfect boobs." That was a lie if her ever heard one. He wondered how that girl could stand upright. Question number three would be "Cloud, are you even listening to me?"
"Cloud, are you even listening to me?"

"Yes, I'm listening." He nailed that one. Cloud tried to concentrate harder on the magazine, trying to look involved. If she saw that he was busy, maybe she would go away. As usual, she didn't go. She stayed. She _always_ stayed. Why couldn't she just leave? "Damnit woman, leave me alone!" he felt like screaming at the top of his lungs, just to see her reaction. He bet she would have left then.

"Cloud, do you think I'm pretty?"

"No," Cloud said absently, trying to look even more interested in the magazine than possible, that is of course, unless this magazine happened to contain nude woman, which it didn't, unfotunaltly for Cloud.

"Oh, Cloud, how could you?!" Tifa cried as she ran sobbing from his living room. He heard two doors slam: the first being the front door to his house, the second being Tifa re-entering her own house next door. They had both managed to bribe the Shinra employees with no acting skills out of their original hhouses in Neibihiem.

"Hm? What?" Cloud looks up from the magazine, confused. What had he said? She didn't get mad yesterday when she said her eyebrows weren't uneven…Damn her! She must have changed the order. Cloud sighs. "I guese I've got to go appologize now."

As he walks slowly to Tifa's, he wonders what it was about him that made girls seem to think he cared about them. Most recently was this thing with Tifa and Aeris. He liked them both as people, respectivley, but had as much romantic interest for them as he did with Yuffie. Yet they both had seemed so intent on getting his attention.

Where Tifa and Aeris had gotten the idea that he felt "affectionit" for either one of them was lost on him. He never flirted with them, never stared at there breasts intentionally (It was hard to ignore Tifa's breasts, they seemed to be in his face most of the time) and he had never dated either one of them. In fact, the only person he had ever dated was Yuffie, and he wanted to remember as little of that incident as possible.

Now that Aeris was dead, Tifa seemed to think he was hers by default, which irritated Cloud to no end. Cloud sighs again, pauses to gather up strength, recites a few prayers, and knocks on Tifa's door.

"Go away, Cloud!"

"Tifa, let me in," Cloud pleads.

"No, Cloud, I don't want to talk to you right now!"

Sure, but if _he_ didn't want to talk…Cloud scratches his head. Hey, if she didn't want to talk, she didn't want to talk. He wasn't about to force her into doing something she (and he) didn't want to do. He began to retreat back to his house.

At that moment Tifa bursts through her door and draggs him back inside. "Well, if you _insist_ on talking, then I guese I have no choice."




Reeve stumbled as he lost his footing as he tore through the vast icy tundra. He fell to his knees, and would have gotten a face full of snow had he not thrown his arm out to catch himself. He paused for a while, exhausted and out of breath. He would have remained there had he not heard the howf of the ice wolf from near by.

He was unarmed. He had no materia, except cure. He had no map, and therefore had no idea where the hell he was going. Oh yes, did I mention it was cold? Well, it was _extremely_ cold. His odds weren't looking so good, now. Damn the odds.

This wasn't the way Reeve like to be doing things. He had planned using Cait Sith to tells the others while he hung around the cave, maybe build and igloo or something. But _someone_ had locked the closet Cait Sith was being kept in. Reeve _never_ locked that closet. Cheron, his secretary, must have locked it. That girl had more air in her head than the Highwind. He didn't hire her for her brains, though. He had hired her for her massive chest. "Wait, why do I even _need_ a secretary?" he wonders aloud.

Damn it, he really needed that cat right now. Cait was so undependable, unlike Reeve, which Reeve found odd since he _was_ Cait Sith. Unlike his alter-ego, Reeve is a bit more reserved, and, shall we say, down to earth. He has always been somewhat of an introvert, but when he was playing the part of Cait Sith he felt like he could do anything and no one could judge him for it. No one knew it was him. People would think Cait Sith was the annoying, obnoxius loser and not him, and that's how Reeve liked it. Reeve was still comfortable in his guis even after his cover was blown, but only because he thought the would was going to end and they were all going to die anyways. But, also unlike his alter-ego, Reeve had absolutley no fightting experience whatsoever.

The only instance he had ever been in a fight with a girl in second grade over crayons. The girl ahd won. Now Reeve ran, completely helpless, though the frozen landscape. He was a fast runner, but the hits his enemies managed to score on him were beginning to add up, and his MP was running out. Once his MP was depleted, he would be a gonner for sure.

With that thought in mind, a large ice wolf jumped at him from the side and bit into his leg. Reeve falls flat on his his face. He kicks at the wolf's head with his free leg, getting no restults, or at least, not the results he wanted. The wolf bit down harder.

Reeve cries out in pain and kicks persitantly, but his effort proves futile. He pulls out his cure materia and casts cure on his leg, using the last of his MP. He then throws the materia at the wolf, striking it hard on its forehead. The wolf yipps and jumps back, allowing Reeve to free his leg and get on his feet. Reeve runs. The wolf follows.

The sky begins to darken as the sun sinks behind the mountains. Somewhere along the chase the wolf is joined by two others. Reeve runs through the unfamiliar, undistinguishable tundra with three beasts snapping at his heels.

After what seems like and eternity, Reeve begins to see lights on the horizen. Ah, artificial light created by sucking the life-force of the planet never looked so sweet! As he could closer he could see the dim outline of the Highwind beyond the town. Good, Cid is here, that would make things a lot easier. His luck was beginning to turn around.




BANG! BANG! BANG!

Reeve waits outside the door where the Inn keeper had said Cid was staying. He had gone straight to the Inn, that is right _after_ he had stopped at the bar to get a drink. And after he brought a gun at the weapon shop. He'd like to see those wolves try to mess with him now. So his prioeties weren't _exactly_ set in order, but he thoght he deserved a little lag time.

Reeve slams his fist against the door again, wondering what the hell was taking Cid so long. He was growing very impatient. Inside, Reeve could here someone yelling out a few profanities. Oh, the memories!
Fnally Cid, wearing a robe and…pink fuzzy slippers…yanked open the door and thrust his head out. "What? What the fuck could you possibly want? Do you know what time it is? I ought to get the manager to throw your God damn ass out onto the streed!" Cid said upon seeing Reeve. It wasn't the most formal greeting Reeve had ever gotten, but it was good enough.

Cid was only able to recognize Reeve because he had seen him once, although briefly, at a Shinra convention. Cid had been promoting his rocket, trying to get support from anyone, no matter who they were or what there job was.

"Ummm," Reeve begins, at a sudden loss for words. "I uh, need to borrow the airship?" the younger man asks meekly.

Cid would have slammed the door in Reeve's face right there and then had Reeve not had his foot wedged stratigically against the door, preventing this from happening.

"Damn it, you piece of crap, don't you think I have better things to do than screw around with your ass?" Cid struggles to close the door, and Reeve in turn struggles to keep it open.

"Its really important!" Reeve whines, resisting the strong urge to say something about Cid's slippers.

"Cid, what is it?" Shera asks as she walks up behind Cid, also in a robe. Reeve assumes that is what Cid meant when he said he had "things to do."

"Hi Shera!" Reeve waves. Cid glares at him. "Err, um, I mean, the fat of the world depends on it, Cid! There's-"

"I don't care if the whole fucking universe depends on it! I'm on my God damn honyemoon, I don't have time for this!" Cid yells.

Reeve looks from Cid, to Shera, and then back at Cid. So he _did_ have things to do. "Ya'll are having your honeymoon way out here?" Reeve asks. This town wasn't exactly the ideal honeymooning spot.

"For your information, this town happens to have the best stargazing in the world" Cid states. "Now get you scrawny ass away from my door before I remove it myself!"

"You don't understand! The worlds gonna end! We're all gonna _die_! Time's running out!"
At that moment Reeve did the stupidest thing possible. He made a comment about Cid's slippers. The door slams in his face.

"Fine then!" Reeve screams at the door. "I'll just have to hotwire it and fly it myself!"

Cid opens the door again and comes out wearing pants and respectable footwear. He grab's Reeve's pony tail and pulls him down the hall and out of the Reeve. Reeve cusses and thrashes his arms around, trying to break free from Cid's grip.

"Ow! That hurts, God damn it! Let me go you son-of-a-bitch! Don't think I can't take you! I'll kill you, you bastard! C'mon, lego! Please!" Cid pulls harder. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow! Ciiiid!!!" Reeve whimpers.

At last Cid finally lets Reeve go. Cid shoves a rope in Reeve's hands and walks back towards the inn, cursing softly and stopping to kick a dog. Reeve's eyes follow the rope onto they land upon the gold chocobo that it si connected to.

"Oh fuck."




Reeve did not like Chocobos. Especially this one. The feeling was mutual. She bit, she spat, she scratched, she was loud, she smelled something awful, and she went out of her way to make sure the ride was as uncomfortable for Reeve as possible. Reeve decided to name her Scarlet.

The real Scarlet hadn't always been so bad. As hard as it is to believe, she had once been a decent, caring human being, and Reeve had loved her for it. The old man Shinra, who took a liking to the young blond who wore skimpy dresses, let her do whatever. He gave her complete power, and, as the elders say, total power totally corrupts. Shinra had turned Scarlet into that cold-hearted ice bitch, and now she was dead.

Scarlet the chocobo suddenly leapt off of a small mound, interrupting Reeve's line of thought. This caused Reeve to be suddenly slammed down upon the shameless bird, injuring his, um, delicate area. Reeve cursed and moaned as he rubbed himself. He could swear to this day that the chocobo was laughing at him. God, she _laughed_. "That settles it, you are _far_ worst than the real Scarlet."

Scarlet replied by stopping suddenly, nearly knocking Reeve off. Reeve kicked her sides sharply and she started to run again. "Stupid bird," he mutters under his breath. Scarlet twists her head around to face him and sticks out her tongue. "I don't know about you, but I know what I'm gonna be eating when we get back to Neibilhiem. I'll bet that you taste _real_ nice with barbecue sauce."

Reeve wasn't sure that they would actually make it to Neibilheim. He had forgotten to buy a map, again. They were crossing the ocean now, going in a random direction. They would hit land eventually, but the odds of them happening into Nibelheim were slim to none.

Scarlet interrupted his thoughts again, this time by breaking into a large wave. Water splashed all over Reeve, soaking him to the bone. Reeve growls and reaches forward, grabbing the chocobo's beak. He twists her head around to face him.

"Listen bird," he growls, eye to eye with the offending chocobo. "All I want is to get to Nibelheim. That's all. After that you can do whatever you want, but until then you will do exactly what I tell you to or I WILL RIP YOU GOD DAMN EYEBALLS OUT OF YOU HEAD AND FUCK THE EMPTY SOCKETS!" Reeve screams, jabbing his finger at her eye to emphasize his point. "Got that?"

Surprisingly, after that Scarlet didn't give him any more trouble. In fact, the ride went so smoothly that Reeve soon fell asleep.



Sidenotes: I know what it looks like, but I do not intend to make Reeve and the chocobo an item…unless there is a huge demand for it. Honestly people, get your minds out of the gutter! Just to set the story straight, I probably won't ever finish this fic….